Waking moments

Am a particularly self conscious guy which was really difficult to accept for some reason.perhaps admitting to self invested vanity isn't only ethically wrong but also divinely taboo.in that same line of thinking perhaps i have just typed bullshit . i have always been that kind of guy who just either didnt give; a fuck or invested too much emotion  into a thing .talk of lack of moderation or as the moral fags would put it indisciplined .... That's an insane bundle of laughs but its at this point that i realise it all went to shit a long time ago.
In the spirit of not giving a fuck ,i didnt put insomuch effort in my friendships and the like.always just went with it . Not saying i was a particularly  popular guy which would be incredibly  misleading bt i had it all figured out. Three four years down the road am the awkward teen everyone knows and tends to HI every now and then but doesn't really get.may just be paranoia on an epic scale. But then again perhaps this is just the struggle of a self conscious guy to avoid being irrelevant. Either way i only now just realised life should make sense without any effort being driven in that direction. Our fear shouldn't be so much irrelevance as much as happiness.So on this random thursday morning a day after my mums 49th,a self conscious teen in the middle of no where in this plethora of somewheres and histories finds himself inexplicably drawn to avoid relevance if it means finding himself or in the words of Freud the ego(self). Which is in itself a whole new world.onem0